I'm hurt and can't talk to you!
I was thinking, what should I write this week for my “gratitude for my love” segment. Should I write about how as a husband he shares in household chores, even though he works 14 hour days. Or continue to report about the little things that he does that I take notice of. But Valentines is coming up, so it deserves something special. So what I wrote about will probably shock you. I am grateful that we know how to fight and resolve our upsets quickly.
A few days ago, we got into a big fight. I was sharing about an upsetting experience I had that day. It didn’t matter what happened to me, all he could hear was that I was complaining. So in typical male fashion, he didn’t want to hear it, all he wanted was to lecture me about “complaining”, and how I could choose a different way of being. Which of course, I got mad. He had shut me down, and you can imagine what happened next. We parted, and the cold war started.
In my head I started having the typical arguments, from “If that is the way he is going to react, then I won’t tell him anything any more”, to “What does he want from me? Who am I going to talk to, when I am upset about something?”, and “I guess it’s true, that men can’t hear you, all they can hear is the complaining noise coming out of your mouth”. For hours, conversations were being practiced over and over in my head. Including thoughts that if I have to watch everything that comes out of my mouth, what kind of marriage will this be.
Just like most shut down women, I also plotted my chilly revenge strategies. Dinner was off! He could take care of himself. I would be polite, but very cool. I won’t act angry, I will just stay to myself. I’m hurt and while I am not going to behave angry or “complain”, I definitely DON’T feel the desire to be with him.
I started thinking of the couples I know. Where the intimacy and relatedness died long ago, and was replaced with indifferent exchanges. I thought how easy it would be to allow this kernel of anger and rejection to turn into the kind of marriage I see way too often. No real communication! The feeling of resignation with no access to getting back to the love, affinity and enjoyment of each other.
That night he also acted civil, trying to reach out to me in small tentative ways. I acted courteous as I tried to suppress my upset. I went to sleep with thoughts of keeping my distance. I had moments of crying to myself. Eventually I turned over to spoon. It wasn’t real spooning. It was fake spooning. I was still hurt.
The next day, he got up early, I laid silently so he wouldn’t notice I was up. I spent the greater part of the night, still thinking about my upset, presenting my side of things, but only in my head. I still had the resolve to start my new cold war of civility. Then the thought occurred to me, this is how it starts! Someone is upset, feels their partner is not open to hearing them, and instead of talking it out, they decide to take their love away. It starts with a kernel of unresolved upset, and grows into a life of all sorts of strategies of resentment and withholding, just because they don’t have the tools to communicate and work through upsets. The man often thinks, “oh good we don’t have to talk about this.” And the woman thinks, “I can’t talk to you, I don’t know how to be connected to you any more.” They have started on the path to the death of their marriage.
With that thought in my head, I walked to my husband’s office. (he works at home), and after some lite exchange about something else, I finally said those words most men fear. “We need to talk.” However, instead of blasting him with my upset or putting him on defense, I lead with, “I thought about what you said yesterday. And I don’t want to go to the dark side and be someone who starts letting her upsets consume her life.” And before I could say another word, he said, “I was insensitive to you, and I am sorry.” Tears streamed down my face. “Really? Do you really mean it?” A few more dialogs were exchanged, but in the end: the walls came down; affinity was restored; and then we came up with a plan to create more fun in our life. I finally got to share that I wanted some overnight getaways that did not include family. That while it’s important to find time for our family, we also need to find time for being a couple in love.
You might be wondering why I would share such a private and revealing story? Because if this story can open the dialog that brings another couple back to affinity and affection, then both my husband and I feel it was worth exposing our little conflict.
I would like to conclude by reiterating the technique we used to re-open communication.
- Start with the intent to have an open exchange with respect.
- Don’t lead with a complaint or offensive statement, that only leads to automatic defensiveness.
- Instead lead with a statement about self reflection and owning your side of the disconnect.
- Be civil, respectful and give your partner a chance to be heard
- End with an agreement and appreciation
Try to remember, if you choose to sweep it under the rug, you might have saved yourself from an uncomfortable exchange, but in the end, you just added a layer of separation and created a void that will one day look like a marriage that has lost it’s way, and has died from lack of connection.
I am grateful that I have a husband that is as committed to breaking down the disconnects as I am, so we can stay close and smitten with each other.
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