I just had a conversation with a woman who is divorced, yet still helps her husband go to the doctor and pay his monthly bills. Some of you would immediately respond, “There is something wrong by not cutting the cord.” Now, when I mention he is disabled, perhaps you soften your thoughts a bit. However, what’s behind society’s norm that so many of you are wired to punish, torture, or extricate your ex-partner?
I’d say that your frustration about your spouse doesn’t get solved by a divorce. It only becomes more heightened after your divorce! If you have kids together, your divorce may have stopped the fighting at home. But, since you will be forever connected by your kids, the problems in your marriage won’t go away. In other words, what was broken still is broken and it will follow you beyond divorce, unless you learn something new. Bottom line, getting a divorce (when you have kids) is a good reason to still work to find peace and understanding with your ex.
How were you responsible for his / her faults?
Considering that you failed to communicate, failed to respect each other, and failed to even ask for what you want and need from your partner, you are frustrated. The fact that you do not have the skills to communicate and relate effectively in marriage, gets exaggerated when you decide to take the gloves off and hurt each other in divorce. You are mad at your ex, yet how many of you take a moment to realize that you were just as culpable? You failed to ask for what you needed or get the training to be a better communicator. You simply can’t place the blame only over there!
The angrier the divorce was, the more blame is put on your ex-spouse without considering your part in your partnership failure.
I say bravo to this woman, who is considering her kids well-being, and finding ways to be divorced lovingly. The message she is sending her kids is that their dad is still welcome in their life and that divorce does not need to be cruel, ugly, devoid of love, respect, or compassion. Think about the long-term impact on those kids, as they grow up seeing a positive role model for husband and wife, even in divorce. Think about it. How many adults do you know that are fearful of commitment or making a mistake, because of what they witness as kids? Well I have a rude wake-up call: YOU are that parent that is creating lifelong relationship issues for your kids because you chose anger instead of growth.
Sorry if I sound preachy, but it seems to me that the majority of adults out there are not conscious to the impact their failed relationships are creating for their kids. This applies to people who fight, scream, and name call in front of the kids. It’s disrespectful, violent, and a lab for creating future abusive adults.
The next time you see or hear of an adult, who is either verbally, emotionally, or physically violent, just remember that they learned from their parents. The best way to stop the cycle of handing down the same relationship skills you inherited from your parents and their parents is education! Take a course, read books, talk to an expert. Choose to learn instead of assuming you have the skills to do it on your own.
